


You've got mail

by Jeanne_SeyerWinchester331



Series: Future!Verse [1]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: 1984 (mentioned), Crack, Elvis one, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin was bored, Halloween, JB is actually the star of this fic, Kingsman trash right here, M/M, Merlin has enough of this, Merlin the mother hen of Kingsman, Mr. Pickle, Parachute test, Percival is a creep, Person of Interest (Mentioned), Pinings, Slow Burn, Texting, based on an omegle rp, drunk, first fanfic, fluffiest, on a mission, trainee!Hary Hart was reckless, wig
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-02 12:10:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4059505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanne_SeyerWinchester331/pseuds/Jeanne_SeyerWinchester331
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And this kids, is why your Uncle Merlin--"<br/> <br/><i> "DON'T YOU DARE ,EGGSY-" </i><br/> <br/>" banned texting during a solo mission-"</p><p>"-Or having a phone at all-" </p><p>   <i> "-YOU TOO HARRY" </i></p><p> "You never got 'im the wig, no? Shame."</p><p>  <i> "Fuck off you two." </i></p><p> Where Eggsy was bored and this was based on a brilliantly fluffy rp I had on omegle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of missions and wigs

**Excalibur:** [Attached photo: JB wearing Kingsman standard glasses]-GU

**Arthur:** Glad to see you're working hard. -HH 

**Excalibur:** Ta, I'm all knackered up unlike others who's sitting at their comfy desks.-GU

 **Excalibur:** Plus he looks damn adorable for a pug-GU 

**Arthur:** Adorable, if rather confused.-HH 

**Arthur:** I'm sure Merlin would enjoy it if you turned those on, though.-HH

**Arthur:** A pug's-eye view of the world. -HH 

**Excalibur:** Innit?! Oh he's getting every bit of it starting on Dais drooling over him.-GU 

**Excalibur:** I'm gonna get an earful tomorrow.-GU

**Arthur:** No doubt. He'll probably send you on a few recon missions as revenge. -HH

 **Excalibur:** Ugh, I'd try to skive off those but heard from Rox that Merlin sees everything,like  /everything/. -GU  


**Arthur:** Oh, he does. It's very 1984, really. -HH

 **Excalibur:** : That's way too old for me to know,ever heard of the series Person of Interest?-GU  


**Arthur:** : 1984 is too old, but Pygmalion is fine, is it?-HH 

**Arthur:** Interesting. And no, I don't believe I've had that pleasure. -HH

 **Excalibur:** Shush it's a guilty pleasure, 'sides Dais likes Eliza much as I do.-GU

**Excalibur:** And yet Harry fucking Hart knows Nikita. 

**Excalibur:** It's like Merlin except it's a machine but I don't see any difference at that.-GU

**Arthur:** Oh, come now. Merlin's the biggest mother hen I know. Hardly a cold and apathetic machine. -HH

 **Excalibur:** Well thank god I survived the parachute test to hear those words.-GU 

**Excalibur:** The man was the bee's knees during the entire thing.-GU

**Arthur:** You didn't see him afterwards. -HH

 **Excalibur:** Should've I seen something afterwards?-GU

**Arthur:** No, of course not. But I did.-HH

 **Excalibur:** Mummy Merlin,eh? You daddy then? I got over it, I mean I got my revenge during the whole heads blowing up. Made him my valet. -GU 

**Excalibur:** You should've seen his fucking face.-GU

**Arthur:** I've never felt so proud. -HH

 **Excalibur:** But you should've seen his face right after I punched you for being alive. Now that was gold I tell you.-GU

**Arthur:** Shame I missed it, really, but it wasn't easy to see past the swelling in my eye. -HH

**Arthur:** I imagine he applauded. He's probably wanted to do it for years. -HH

 **Excalibur:** And that's why we have Roxy graciously around for the entire matter.-GU

 **Excalibur:** And a reminder to let us know your over stay at a fucking American hospital for two weeks.-GU

 **Excalibur:** : Ages ago but when he couldn't his hair fell off.-GU

**Arthur:** Every year for his birthday I buy him an extravagant and absurd wig. -HH 

**Arthur:** It's a wonder he hasn't killed me by now. -HH 

**Excalibur:** You get him to wear an Elvis one without bleeding then I'll be really impressed.-GU

**Arthur:** Leave it with me. I'll give it a go next Halloween. -HH

 **Excalibur:** SHIT I JUST REALIZE HOW MUCH PERCIVAL IS A CREEP. Can't say if Rox ever tried punching him.-GU

**Excalibur:** He's been standing beside the whole fucking time.-GU

**Excalibur:** And I'm dying. Did you actually once put Mr. Pickles on Merlin's head!? For reals?!-GU

**Arthur:** Percival is the world's biggest gossip. -HH 

**Arthur:** Well, give it an hour and soon everyone will know how much you like Pygmalion, and I Nikita. 

**Arthur:** Oh, yes. When he was still alive, obviously. -HH 

**Arthur:** Not even the funniest moment. Merlin went down to terrorise the IT technicians and as revenge they doctored his video feed so everyone else saw him with a cartoon afro on his head. It took him an entire day to find out, during which time he conversed with several high-ranking members of the CIA. -HH

 **Excalibur:** Shit no I've got a dignity to save. Still I've got to ask him how he does that.-GU 

**Excalibur:** Oh my god. Merlin with an amateur drawn afro wig to hide a terrier named Mr. Pickle-GU 

**Excalibur:**...any chances of a surviving photo?-GU

**Arthur:** Let me see with what I can do.-HH 

BOTH OF YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS. **-M**


	2. Of Puns and Pinings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How normal exactly is normal for the agents and staff in Kingsman?  
> What is project Lazarus?  
> Will Eggsy ever stop then sexual tension?  
> Where the fuck is Gawain?

**Percival:** So, Nikita eh?-AM

 **Arthur:** Piss off-HH

 

* * *

**Lancelot:** Would you please stop it already ?-RM

 **Excalibur:** Can't say I know what you're talkin about.-GU

 **Lancelot:** The staring. It's frustrating.-RM

 **Excalibur:** Tha's how I normally look like.- GU

 

 **Lancelot:** Allow me to rephrase it: You not making a move on Harry is fucking frustrating.-RM

  
**Excalibur:** Oh, that.-GU

 **Lancelot:** Yes, Oh that.-RM

 **Excalibur:** Oh, Merlin's lookin for you btw. -GU

 **Lancelot:** This is not over.-RM

 **Excalibur:** Ta, Rox.-GU

* * *

**From: Merlin [1 file attached]**

**KILQVXG: OZAZIFH L.3**

**OLXZGRLM: RIZJ**

**Lancelot:** It's in Atbash.-RM

 **Merlin:** Good eye.

 **Lancelot:** Lazarus 0.3?-RM

 **Merlin:** Your next mission. We'll be collaborating with MI6 with this one.

 **Lancelot:** Looks like we're doing their dirty work again.-RM

 **Merlin:**  Afraid so. That's the introductory file. Meet at HQ tomorrow by 18:00.

 **Lancelot:** Yes sir.-RM

 **Merlin:** How's our other mission?

 **Lancelot:** He's not budging yet..-RM

 **Merlin:** Cheers. That egg won't be easy to crack at .

 **Lancelot:** How's your lot?-RM

 **Merlin:** Dense as a rock.

 **Lancelot:** Cheers.-RM

 

* * *

// **NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL, PLEASE RETURN THE REMEDY FROM MY WORK TABLE. IT'S STILL IN PROGRESS AND SHOULD NOT BE DRANK AT ANY COSTS.-Gaius** // 

// **I MEAN YOU GAWAIN.-Gauis** //

* * *

 

 **Kay:** PSSSSST.

 **Bedivere:**  Busy.

 **Kay:** At what? Staring at your shoes?

 **Bedivere:** What'd you want?

 **Kay:**  How much does a duck weigh?

 **Bedivere:** What.

 **Kay:** D'you know I tried making a report last week but your codename kept auto correcting as 'River Bed'?

 **Bedivere:** What.

 **Kay:** Do you like the florist down town?

 **Bedivere:** WHAT. 

 **Kay:** You do! Do you?

 **Bedivere:** Hang on, I haven't said anything yet!

 **Kay:** Gawain owes me fish sticks and custard! 

 **Bedivere:** WHAT!?

 **Kay:** Good talk, bye!

* * *

**Merlin:** Bedivere, step away from the arsenal's closet.

 **Bedivere:** Make me.

* * *

  **Percival:** Pgymillion,huh?-AM

 **Excalibur:** Yes sir?.-GU

 **Percival:** Roxy use to do all Eliza's lines in the tub.-AM

 **Excalibur:** NO.-GU

 **Percival:** Yes.-AM

* * *

 

 **Excalibur:** Hey, Doolittle.-GU

 **Lancelot:** NO.-RM

~~**//Gawain: Yes.-//** ~~

~~**// WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN!?-Gaius.//** ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEEEY GUYS BACK FROM A LONG MONTH FROM HELL ((see also: School))
> 
> So I have it planned out and I'm still looking up for the other knights' names.  
> Though I will be using Allistair Morton as Percival's ((see also: I love you but you're an asshole" by ChangingTheCircumstance.))
> 
> But if you really need to visualize who the knights are here:
> 
> >Gawain as John Barrowman  
> >Kay as Matt Smith  
> >Bedivere as David Tennant ((see also: the florist pun))
> 
> BROWNIE POINTS FOR THOSE WHO GOT THE MONTHY PYTHON JOKE
> 
> Reviews are most welcomed~

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This is my first fanfic contribution to the Kingsman fandom.
> 
> //confetti//
> 
> This idea has been itching to be posted ever since I watched the movie a month ago. Plus tumblr has been a great influence on me...yeah.  
> Anyways, this is just a start of a plot line I have in mind. It's actually based on this Headcannon I found in tumblr. It's a mixture of pain, regret and fanfic magic of how Harry Hart may survive.  
> Riiight here:  
>  http://lokithesassgardian221b.tumblr.com/post/118768316787/future-verse-with-harry-as-arthur-and-eggsy-as 
> 
> Bless the omegle rp partner I had! Cheers everyone~


End file.
